i wonder...

After few weeks of trapping myself at home, the painful memories that nearly drown me slowly faded away. Last Monday when I took up the courage to attend team meeting, I again fell into depression, seeing  people in the team actually reminds me of  Toronto. You’ll nvr know how it’s like… in the past, I’ve never regretted with the decisions I’ve made… this is my first and hopefully final decision which I truly regretted. I can nvr forget… it was my dream to study overseas…. I thought abt it every single day when I was in primary, secondary school… anyway,  I told my mentors that I needed some time to sort things out, well, I do,,, the funny thg is, I do it by watching drama series. I either try to find meaning of life in the story line or I’ll pick a comedy of my favourite actress, Jessica Hsuan. I’ve always love the character played by Jessica, she always appears in Drama as a strong independent career minded women. Most of the time, I’m inspired by her. Really,, especially when she played the part of a judge in “Just Love”… when I 1^st saw that series, I almost wanted to take law and become a judge just like her~ haha, how funny, but I knew I had zero interest in the deadly written laws that lies in don’t know how many dozen of books the size of a dictionary.  Hahha, some times I even wonder, how can a person possibly memorise all the facts and laws in these books? These ppl are truly amazing! I, on the other hand, prefer science subjects, it probably has got somethg to do with my curiosity, which I’m sure many has… could still rmbr, back in my school days, there isn’t anyone I could really talk to, bcause all that’s in my mind was actually science, geography, math etc… whatever I’ve learn in school. I’ve totally no interest with girl stuff like clothes, nails, hair and whatsoever. Wonder why… many be it’s because I’ve been acting like a boy since young, someone told me it’s probably bcause my parents treated me like a son since I was their only child for like 9 years or so. Haha…well, who cares? Anyway, it’s quite nice to actually flash back to those good old memories that could draw a smile on my face. Back to the topic, as I was saying, I’ve been trying to erase the painful memory by watching drama series continuously,  the funny ones ofcourse… I just want my laughter to kill away the pain… and it works pretty well until when I watch the final episode of Parental Guidance, stared by Jessica Hsuan ofcourse…( it’s a Singapore comedy…had been watching it many times and nvr get bored when I watch it again. ) it brings laugher and happiness to me… until when I was at the final episode… when Jessica was to leave Singapore for her London posting… she was at the airport… and that suddenly reminds me of Singapore Changgi Airport which I landed and departed when I got there for my Canadian VISA and a 1 day trip. And so the memory linkage goes on and on… well, A sage once said, what doesn’t kill us actually makes us stronger…. But, I’m wondering, am I now actually much stronger or weaker instead?  I’ve been scared of doing things…I’m nt sure if I still have what it takes to fight….sign,,, there is something that’s been running in my head apart of the pathetic memories…. It’s my promise… my promise to be back as a grown up person… but look, what happened instead, I’ve turn into a coward…. Really, I tried to pull myself together… I slowly began to listen to CDs…. Started reading… it helps a lot… but there is smthg that’s now lacking in me… that’s the courage to fight… to talk to strangers… why?  Can anyone tell me? I’m sure I’m again talking to the air… as I know, no one can help me but myself… I wonder how much longer do I need to truly recover from what I’m suffering right now~ I wonder…